4 Sneaky Reasons You’re Feeling Shame After Divorce
Hey misfits! Today I am jumping on to talk about feeling shame after divorce. It can be something that not a lot of people are talking about. They’ll talk about the process of divorce. They’ll talk about how you’re feeling when you’re going through the divorce. What about those feelings that you’re left with afterwards? After the separation, after you’ve moved out on your own. Living life as a divorced woman, and the shame that often comes along with it?
I’ve been divorced twice, so I’m speaking about this from a space of, “Yep, I get it.” It took me a long time to start dealing with the fact that shame was there in the first place. These are some things that came up for me.
Why Are you Feeling Shame After Divorce?
Needing To Change Your Name. On EVERYTHING.
The embarrassment and the salt in the wound that is having to change your motherfucking name on everything. AGAIN. Now, if you were one of the people who didn’t change your name, when you got married – woman, good planning. Because seriously, it amazes me the number of things that will still come up with that surname.
One of the ways this sneaks up on me is when I’m going to a store and get asked if I have a customer card. They try to offer helpfully to look me up in the system, but I have to stand there and be like, “yeah… I have no idea what name it’s under and I don’t really want to stand here in front of everyone and rattle off all of the details.”
It can also be an out of the blue reminder again when you’re going to fill out forms and are not quite sure what name you’re going to put down. It could be years on, yet you’ll still have things that come up with your old name of them. Whether it’s declaring previous names as an “alias” when applying for a loan, or maybe some of your ID hasn’t been swapped over yet. You are still getting put in that position where you feel like you have to explain or justify yourself, and are left sitting with that feeling long after they’ve forgotten about it.
You’ve got a different name from your kids.
Some people might choose to continue to keep that name after they get divorced, respect, whatever works for you. For me, I now have a different surname to my children, and explaining when they’re going to school that there are two households can be another time that this comes up as well. Mail automatically goes to Mr. or Mrs. whatever your kids last name is and the assumption is usually that the parents are together.
It does take time to go through and talk to the teachers. To explain that you do go by another name and that your child does in fact live in two homes. There will be times where they’re understanding and are more than happy to update communications, or there will be other times where they don’t seem to think it’s that big of a deal so they don’t bother.
At the end of the day, it’s your name. If it makes you uncomfortable, and you want it changed, you’re not being an inconvenience or making a big deal out of nothing. Your kid is going to be in school for a long time – how long are you willing to just “let it go?”
Going to family events.
Being the single Mum and not having your ex partner go to those events anymore. The first holidays you end up going to after the divorce, I found, were the worst. You’ve spent so long going to Christmases, Easter’s and birthday parties together – you’ve built this kind of routine. When those holidays come around again, you get the crashing reminder that you’re either not going to those events or it’s just you and the kids this year.
No one really brings up the fact that they’re not there anymore. There’s still this lingering feeling of embarrassment or being uncomfortable. You know that everyone can recognise and feel the difference because you can feel it too. The upside to this is that you get to create new traditions as a family. While you may grieve the one’s you’ve lost, you can write a new chapter of memories that you get to make with the kids moving forward.
Shame around not being able to make the relationship work.
Feeling like a failure and being embarrassed that you are now another divorce statistic carries it’s own shame. Relationships end for such an incredible number of reasons. At the end of the day, your own happiness is what is important. It didn’t work and that can be really hard to come to terms with, especially if it wasn’t an outcome that you wanted or instigated.
If you are carrying shame about being a “failure”, you need to create a new narrative in your mind about it. “Maybe if I had have done something different, communicated better, if I had BEEN better, there’s a way the marriage would have worked.” What ifs are a waste of energy. What happened, has happened. Who you are is who you are, and you totally deserve to be happy in the new life that you’re creating for yourself.
Rather than putting the energy in thinking about what would have made the relationship work, look at it as an end of the chapter. Moving forward, you get to start a new chapter. It doesn’t mean you’re any less of a person. It means you can learn you can grow and you can become a different person from it. You may now have new insight about what your non negotiables are in a relationship. You might decide that you’d like to work on communication because it’s something you’ve recognised that you’ve struggled with. Look at what you can learn from what has happened and harness it to create a better future for yourself.
You’re not alone
Sit with your feelings and acknowledge that there are probably things that you’re going to need to talk about, think on and work through. Remember, you’re not alone. There are plenty of women in the world rediscovering themselves after divorce and you are more than capable of doing the same. Drop the shame at the door and step into your new life without the baggage. You’ve got shit to do.
Stay Fierce,
P.S If you’re struggling to find yourself after a relationship breakdown and could really use some help, come and find your fire in Fierce AF
Original post here: 4 Sneaky Reasons You’re Feeling Shame After Divorce
Original post here: 4 Sneaky Reasons You’re Feeling Shame After Divorce
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